Oh what a can of worms we open when we try to delve into the topics of failure and disappointment. However there are a number of strategies to employ that may make dealing with disappointment productive as opposed to debilitating:
1) Acknowledge it! There’s no need to wallow in your feelings of heartbreak after a broken stay during group, but it’s absolutely OK to allow yourself to feel disappointment. Understand the source of your disappointment, and recognize that if you felt absolutely nothing, you’d have a good indication that the goal was, perhaps, not terribly important to you.
2) Get some perspective. What does your disappointment mean in the context of the bigger picture? What does it mean to your goals and your plan? Andrea’s Rule of Five kicks in here.
That is will it mean anything in 5 days? 5 months? 5 years?
3) Frame your disappointment in terms of your core principles. What is most important to you? How is this disappointment relevant to what means most to you?
4) Accept the fact that disappointment is part of being human. It’s not the first time you have been disappointed, and it won’t be the last. Use what disappoints you as a key to identifying what is most significant to you and whether your objectives are realistic relative to the resources you apply to meeting them.
5) Identify the good and make a note of it. When you are tempted to return to the negative of an event look at your notes and see that good also happened.
6) Consider your situation from an outsider’s perspective. What if someone you knew were experiencing the same issues you are? How would you identify what was going wrong? What would you tell them? Look at the five W's from the perspective of getting help deciphering the root of the disappointment. What happened? Where did it happen? (Is the where important to this instant?) Who was responsible for the challenge? When did it happen? How did it happen? Was it anticipated? Predicted? Perhaps it was just one of those things? And, why did it happen and what and how can you change things to overcome the feeling of disappointment?
When considering the reason for your disappointment and how you’re going to respond to it, be as analytical as you can be. Decide how you can use the information you’ve been provided to adapt your plan. Recognize that the very act of planning and goal-setting will help you make the most of disappointment. After all, in all probability, what you’re disappointed about represents but a single component of your plan, not the whole thing. Considering your disappointment within the framework of your whole set of goals and objectives will help you to see more clearly where adjustments may be needed and how relatively minor a setback is as part of the broader context. Life happens to us all.
If you find yourself disappointed about a glitch in your plans, take a deep breath and think objectively. Don’t make any big decisions until you have had a chance to really take stock of what’s happened and what it means in context. Too many people jump from one training or handling approach to another – totally oblivious to the confusion this can create for their teammate and themselves. Set some structure to handling decisions and approaches and give them time to work or not (I hope it’s obvious that if something is completely NOT working, or creating great stress for your team I want you to ditch it immediately – I’m talking about deciding you’ll train something one way then trying it three times then switching methods, then going back ... that kind of ping ponging sets you both up for disappointment. ).
Regardless of how disappointed you may feel at any given moment, own it. Don’t share it with your dog. He’s not the one who set the goals and decided how to reach them. Don’t ever let her know that things have gone off track. If you do, you risk turning disappointment over one element of your plan into a deeper pattern of disappointment from which it will be more difficult for you both to recover.
Another issue that can intensify feelings of disappointment is worry over what other people think. Here, too, it’s important to develop and maintain a healthy sense of perspective. If you’re worried about what other people think of you, take a minute to really consider how much you think about them. Do you remember everything about their performances that they might have found disappointing? On a practical level, what difference does it make what they think of you? Should what you think of them affect their behaviour? Should what they think of you affect yours? If it is affecting you ask them what they think directly. You may be pleasantly surprised to find out that they aren’t being nearly as judging as you thought. If you have a “coven” or “jerk” at your local events you likely will need to address them in one way or another (there are lectures in All In Your Head dealing with this) or you will likely invest a great deal of energy that could be better spent on yourself rather than worrying about them or reacting to them.
There are productive ways in which considering the actions and achievements of others can be helpful. Watch how your heroes cope with their own disappointments. Pay attention to what they do next, how they recover and how they adjust their approach.
Above all, when you’re feeling disappointed – whether it’s due to being out-competed or because you’re not feeling the love in a class or workshop setting – or something just isn’t going right (sigh) – give yourself permission to feel it, then give yourself a reminder that you’ve just been handed a goldmine of information you can use to adjust and progress. Implement the action strategies that will work for you in this instance ... then, to quote the film Frozen, "Let it Go".
If you’ve taken classes with me before you’ll know I like TED talks to help me make my points (and hey they are good for auditory learners too!) This is under 4 minutes ... and well worth a little consideration
https://www.ted.com/talks/richard_st_john_success_is_a_continuous_journey
Homework: Take an instance of disappointment that you have faced or fear facing, and reframe it using the tools most relevant for you of the tools above.
Instructor: Andrea Harrison
