BH370: Feelings Change – Desensitization and Counter-conditioning

(All lectures include a video presentation and a full written transcript)

“I FEEL THIS MIGHT TAKE TOO LONG. CAN WE SPEED IT UP A BIT?”

The short answer to that question is "No, afraid not."  Inevitably, each time I teach this subject either here or elsewhere, some students become a little antsy and just want to get on with the practical exercises already.

I get it.  I really do.  And that's why this lecture exists. 😊  If you've carefully read all the lectures released so far (including the intro and welcome messages... don't skip those!), you'll know that:

1. I'm deliberately keeping the lectures as short as possible to increase the odds they will be read thoroughly.

2. New information is best absorbed when it's delivered in bite-sized, digestible doses.

3. It's crucial that you understand the theory behind DS/CC before you attempt to actively use these methods, because making mistakes can derail your efforts and create set-backs. 

4. I want you all to succeed, and I'm setting up the environment to maximize the likelihood that you will! 

A large chunk of our work in this class will involve systematic desensitization. “Systematic” means we will be moving methodically and in very measured increments.

The process of DS/CC takes time.  How much time?  As much time as it takes!

There is no set timeline, no definite date of completion. And most importantly, you can’t rush the process, no matter how badly you want to.

I think this is the most difficult thing for most of us to accept. It can sometimes feel very frustrating, especially when things are going well and we’re tempted to push it along just a wee bit faster. Just a pinch. Hardly noticeable.

Practicing patience and respecting the need for the process to unfold as it should is crucial for success.

I can repeat this until I’m blue in the face, and *still* some of you will want to try to rush things at some point during the process. It’s normal to feel like it’s no big deal to cheat just a lil’ bit (who’s gonna know, amirite?).

Well, you’ll know. You’ll know because it won’t work. 😉

So in this lecture, I’m going to throw a handful of analogies in the air and hope this helps get my message across.

Here goes:

The first one tells the well-known story shared by Nikos Kazantzakis (author of “Zorba the Greek”). One day, while watching a butterfly emerge from a cocoon, he became impatient with the drawn-out process and decided he’d help it move along faster by gently blowing on the wings of the butterfly to dry them.

It didn’t work. It didn't work because he tried to rush a mechanism that has no business being rushed, and in the process, he prevented the butterfly from emerging at the correct, natural speed.

There was no going back… no saying “Oops” and then starting again. The damage was done. The butterfly died. Kazantzakis was wracked with guilt and famously said this incident weighed heavily on him for the rest of his life.

I know. Dead butterflies are sad. Poor little caterpillar was so close to finally becoming what he’d worked so hard to achieve – his whole reason for existing. It was taken away by someone trying to “help” move things along. I’m hoping this image now pops into your head the next time you’re tempted to speed up the DS/CC process.

Here’s another analogy… less sad, but many of you may relate:

Dieting. Many of us have, at one point in our lives, decided to get healthy and lose some weight. We usually start off feeling very determined about it all (“This time I mean it!”), and we restrict our calorie intake with a clear goal in mind.

But if we try to rush the process by reducing our calories too drastically, we are setting ourselves up to fail. The odds are stacked against us by approaching weight loss this way.

We’ll either deprive ourselves too much and give up, or we’ll succeed at losing a bunch of weight very quickly, only to gain it all back (and then some) thanks to a natural biological process that is designed to protect us from starving.

Or how about joining the local gym.  We set ourselves up for the same unsuccessful outcome if we skip steps in a new fitness plan.  We might lift too many weights too soon and injure ourselves.  We might start a running program before conditioning our bodies to be able to handle running, and also injure ourselves in the process.

Injuries are a set-back, and after recovery, we've often lost our zest and just forget the whole idea.

And then we tell ourselves “I tried dieting and exercising, but it didn’t work.”

It’s usually not that “it didn’t work”, but rather that “we didn’t follow the program”.  In fact, how many of us have tried to wing it without even having a program to follow in the first place?

Speaking of wings… that poor little butterfly.  Remember him? 😞

And here’s another example. Remember those “egg and spoon” races?  You place a fresh egg on a spoon and try to run as quickly and carefully as you can to reach the finish line without dropping your egg.  If you drop your egg, you’re out.  The damage is done.  If you rush it – if you try to go faster than you should, you increase the chances of dropping your egg.

However, if you advance steadily and in careful, measured steps – don’t’ push it, just keep moving forward, keep your eye on the egg, adjust your speed as necessary to keep the egg safe – you will likely make it.

Even if the egg is so wobbly that you have to completely stop moving for a moment to let it settle down again (i.e., you need to stop working on your DS/CC plan for a moment to regroup), you will make it.

Your ultimate goal is to reach the other side with your egg intact.  Constantly evaluating your approach and making necessary adjustments as you move along will help you accomplish that.

And the good news about using DS/CC to treat a fear is that it’s not a race!  There is no prize for going faster.  The ultimate prize is reaching the end. 😊

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